Sgt. Dev’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Listen up lonely hearts, Valentine’s Day has passed and I’m willing to wager that a fair amount of you had no plans and probably spent the day alone. Luckily for you guys, I have turned being single into an art, and today I’ll be sharing my guide to spending Valentine’s Day alone.

Step 1: Realize that you are alone on Valentine’s Day, you came to the Blair Oracle website for entertainment, and you are now reading an article written by Matt Dev for advice. Now that you have come to that realization and hit emotional rock bottom, we can move on.

Step 2: In order to get into the proper Valentine’s Day mentality, blast Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” loud enough to cover up the sound of your incredible loneliness.

Step 3: Go down to the Inn and have a romantic candlelit dinner for one and remind yourself that you don’t need anyone else. Relationships just tie you down and distract you from your academics.

Step 4: Return from your dinner and realize that you had not, in fact, hit rock bottom earlier, but now you have. You are probably going to spend the rest of your life like this.

Step 5: Blast “Single Ladies” again.

 

(Copyright 2018 Matt Dev)

Matt Dev

Matt is a sophomore and a staff writer for The Oracle.

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