Dev’s Declassified School Survival Guide

For all the freshman who just moved onto campus, boarding school is probably unfamiliar to  you. As long as you follow these simple steps, you should be golden.

1) Assert your physical dominance over the rest of the freshmen. Boarding school is a lot like prison, so find the biggest, toughest kid in the grade, take him out (to dinner) in front of everyone and earn the respect of the upperclassmen.

2) Cultivate popularity. After you have established dominance over the rest of the freshmen, you’ve instilled fear. The key to establishing totalitarian power is being well thought of amongst the peasants while reminding them of their inferiority. Since most freshmen are pretty easily influenced and weak minded, it should not be that hard to manipulate them into liking you. Pretty much all you have to do is be kind of good at Fortnite.

3) Earn the support of the teachers and the rest of the Blair community. A great way to gather this support is to randomly break out into lectures on leadership, burst into song every six seconds, scream DA DA DA DA DAAAAA during chapel, hand out coins, or if you are trying to score major points: buy an entire star.

4) Bribe the wrestlers. If you have the wrestlers on your side, you can pretty much do anything you want. Even the teachers are afraid of them, but don’t let that get to you. Though they seem intimidating and most of them look like they could fight a bus, they have incredibly short attention spans and spend most of their free time chasing squirrels. Pretty much all you have to do is feed them Scooby Snax when they do something good and pat them on the head.

(Copyright 2018 Matthew Dev)

Matt Dev

Matt Dev is a senior and an editor for the Oracle.