So, it’s getting close to Peddie Day, and this year it’s being hosted on our turf, which means there will be a disgusting amount of Peddie students wandering around our campus. If you are smart and don’t do any sports, then that means you may be forced into close proximity with them, while watching the various athletic events around campus. If the situation is dire, it may even involve interacting with a Peddie student. So, in the interest of public health, here are some guidelines I strongly recommend following when Peddie Day comes.
1) Don’t stand too close to them. Prolonged exposure to Peddie students could result in contracting avian influenza, more commonly known as “bird flu”. It can be spread through the air but also through the exchange of bodily fluids, so be very careful not to exchange fluids with them either. Symptoms include: decreased athleticism, annoying overconfidence, inability to cheer without screaming, and diarrhea. There is no known cure.
2) Remember the Blair way. For those of you who have ever been within 10 miles of more than one Peddie student at literally any athletic event ever, you know that they can be a tad bit excessive when it comes to school spirit. If this irritates you, like it would any reasonable human being with normal hearing, remember the Blair way and don’t engage. Instead, passive-aggressively make announcements at school meeting about how bad sportsmanship will not be tolerated here at the Academy. Or give a chapel about how it affected you, while sporadically singing snippets of random songs.
3) Remind them how inferior they are to you in every way. The key to subconsciously ingraining your superiority into their minds is through intimidation. Since we’ve lost Peddie Day four years in a row, we can’t really intimidate them through athletics, so we have to rely on alternate methods. One surefire way to intimidate anyone is to display your endurance. Show people how tough you are by riding a scooter without a helmet, while wearing earbuds, to really strike fear into their hearts.
When Peddie Day comes around remember that it is a trying time for all of us. Worst comes to worst we will go down in history as most consecutive losses since 1903. If at any point in the day you are losing hope, just look up at the Blair star and remember that you are a luminous being.
(Copyright 2018 Matthew Dev)