If you are reading this you are probably, most likely, pretty much, definitely single and alone. For most of you that’s gonna stay the same. I can’t help you. No one can. You are hopeless. Just accept it and move on. For the remaining two of you that actually have a chance at love, just shut up and listen. Before we start, remember that high school is a lot like the jungle. Having been orphaned in the jungles of India at birth and being raised by wolves and the many other animals before finally returning to the man-village, I happen to know a bit about the jungle.
1) Put on your best clothes. Try wearing clothes that draw the attention away from your face, or even better, just cover up your face. Put on a hood, a hat, a paper bag, or anything to keep people from looking directly at you. If you really wanna look desirable wear a full suit of chainmail armour; it covers up the face and lets people know you mean business.
2) Take a look in the mirror. Once you’ve put on your best clothes, take a gander to see how facially impaired you are.
3) Actually leave your room. Once you have established that you are looking flyeth, actually leave your room and get some natural light.
4) Join a sports team. Being part of a team is a great way to get in shape.
5) Quit whatever team you just joined because you are horribly unathletic, and join the Oracle. Though you might think that being part of a sports team is an attractive trait, the true peak level of both physical and mental attractiveness is being a writer for the Oracle.
6) Actually talk to a person of interest. Start with the basic get-to-know-you questions, such as: “How old are you?”, “Where do you live?”, “Does pineapple belong on pizza?”, “Do you support a two-state solution to the Israel Palestine conflict?”, “What is your social security number?”, or ”Have you or a loved one been diagnosed with mesothelioma?”
7) Give up. If following these incredibly simple steps haven’t gotten you anywhere, then you are hopeless. Put on some sad music, curl up in bed, and eat a pint of ice cream while sobbing and singing to the lyrics.
(Copyright 2018 Matt Dev)