So if you’re new to Blairstown, or you don’t have a central nervous system or skin, it gets pretty cold here in the winter time, and unless you are literally from the Arctic tundra, you are gonna be cold. Luckily for you, I’m a four-year survivor of Blairstown’s unforgiving winters and I am willing give you some tips on how to beat this cold weather.
- Look at the acceptance rates of your top college choices and within .35365646 seconds you will start sweating and forget how cold you are.
- Start a small fire. If your heater isn’t working (which it most likely isn’t), then start a small electrical fire to heat up your room. Trust me, the Conduct Probation is worth it. Worst case scenario, you get sent to jail for a maximum of 5 years, but I hear prison cells have decent heating in the wintertime.
- Exposure therapy. After a jump in the lake, the frozen wasteland that is your room will seem like a warm summer’s day.
- Get a bunch of people to workout in your room. If jumping in a frozen lake isn’t your game, then ask a group of wrestlers which one can do the most pushups, and then host the inevitable competition in your room. After a few minutes, their body heat will make your room seem like rush hour in the New Delhi train station.
Another big drawback about the winter is the snow. Yes, it looks pretty and it’s fun to play in for about 5 minutes, but overall it’s a drag. If you are like me and have trouble finding the necessary willpower to leave on time for classes even when the paths are clear, then the ten million tons of white bullshit that cover the paths will not help the situation. Here are some tips to help you battle the snow and arrive on time for your classes.
- Snowshoes. If you don’t have a pair– which no one does except Mr. Wenner because this is the 21st century and snowshoes are impractical and super unfashionable– you can easily fashion a pair out of the really old pizza box that has been sitting in the corner of your room for about two weeks because you are really lazy and don’t want to throw it out.
- Get a pair of cross country skis.
Unfortunately, that’s about all the tips I have for you on how to make it to class on time through the snow, mostly because I actually haven’t figured out how to make it to class on time even when there isn’t snow.
(Copyright 2018 Matthew Dev)