Since the entirety of Blairstown has been temporarily relocated to literal Hell, temperatures have risen to about 1,000,000,000ºF. Having grown up a penniless orphan on the streets of India, I am quite accustomed to the Hellish temperatures we have seen in the past few days. However, to most of you gringos warm weather is a foreign concept. So in the interest of getting you to stop whining about the heat, I will be sharing some tips on how to beat the heat.
1) Keep people updated on the weather. Everybody knows that the most efficient way to improve the weather is to alert the rest of the general population about the status of the weather. Try repeating the phrase, “it’s so hot out,” over and over again, so that just in case your classmates don’t have skin, you can let them know what’s up. I’m sure it’ll be new info.
2) Stop being a wimp.
3) Exposure therapy. By exposing yourself to things that are way hotter than the temperature outside, you increase your resistance to heat, so look at pictures of Cody Romano ’18 on your computer and give my mixtape a listen.
4) Annie has A/C. Conduct pro is worth it. It isn’t that bad. Take it from me.
5) Protest the dress code by going to classes wearing only shoes. Tasteful nudity is always a good thing, especially when faced with the searing temperatures of Satan’s armpit.
6) Take off the shoes.
7) Just transfer to Peddie. I bet they have A/C.
(Copyright 2018 Matt Dev)