The “Winter Ball” is coming up this Saturday and none of you have been asked. You can lie and tell your parents or your friends that you’re not going because dances “aren’t your thing” or “you have too much work,” but c’mon. You and I both know that you’re not going because no one has asked you, and if you go without a date you might as well just tattoo “single” on your forehead.
Rather than outright declaring your romantic solitude for the remainder of your life by attending solo, you can just imply it by not going at all. It’s a more subtle approach, known colloquially as “pulling a Dev.” So for all the other lonely hearts who are gonna be staying in that night, here is a list of things that you can do instead of going to the Winter Ball:
1) Embrace the single life. Start browsing the adoption websites to get an idea of what kinda cats you wanna buy when you’re older and have succumbed the loneliness. You might as well just lean into the whole “single for life.”
2) Seeing as how your night can’t get much more depressing, use it as an opportunity to get work done. Once you’ve accepted your fate, you can be surprisingly productive.
3) Sleep. After you’ve done everything else, there really isn’t much else to do, so just take a bunch of melatonin and turn in early.
(Copyright 2019 Matthew Dev)