[box type=”info” size=”large”]This article is backed by the newest scientific research.[/box]
Nowadays it seems as if almost anything can possibly lead to your ultimate demise. Scientists have supposedly probably found a connection between a large number of disorders and diseases linked to almost everything. I’m pretty sure drinking too much of a diet soda causes cancer somewhere, and so do the really smart folk on Buzzfeed and my Facebook trending news feed. When people aren’t afraid of that, they turn to the dangers of the thing naturally found inside of wheat grains that we’ve been eating for hundreds of years because for hundreds of years people have been dying. Dying is something we all need to avoid, and if a lot of people who died or had a condition like cancer, we might maybe have a possible link.
But it’s time to wake up, sheeple – Short for sheep-people, because you’re being blindly led like a flock of sheep, I’m coining the term. Do you not see the iffy connection within the iffy connection? Maybe? Exactly. We might have possibly found the link of all links to not only all cases of cancer — I know we said it can lead to a multitude of disorders, but cancer is scary and if something is scary sounding it’ll help fund the scientists’ research — but to every death ever recorded. It is an ingredient in not only diet sodas and gluten, but it makes up over 75% of our planet’s surface. Studies have proven that 100% of people who have lived and died on this earth have come into contact with water.
That’s right. I’m serious. Stop laughing. It’s everywhere: toilets, soups, we’ve gone and polluted the entire damn ocean with water! Also, we can’t call it water anymore because the research says that doesn’t sound scary enough. We’ll call it dihydrogen oxide from now on. Possible carcinogens are pouring onto the human race when it rains! Who knows what diseases it could cause? Dementia in your grandma? That cold your brother Paul had! Maybe it caused the deadly stomach ailments that plagued our dear old Blair. Be afraid of water! We must warn the masses! Start a trending hashtag: #H2OHELLNO!
Protect yourself from this harmful element, and buy my dihydrogen oxide free diet and merchandise that we’ll sell you at double the price of normal stuff! Also, act really pretentious about not drinking water because of its possible health effects, even though they’re not proven. Even though you know people who are allergic to it, act like they’re benefitting! Do you know that the average human being is now made up over 80% water? In other words, being a decent social human being and coming into contact with second-hand dihydrogen oxide might just be the way to wind up socializing with the maggots in your casket, Mr. Somebody. We must all lock ourselves in our rooms, dehydrate ourselves, take down the evil humidifier industry that poisons our air, and boycott the weatherman because he always says it HAS to rain tomorrow. Facts are that water might sorta-possibly-maybe be the reason we’re all not immortal. Screw the benefits. This crap is scary! Live like you don’t want to die tomorrow, and don’t live anymore! Be safe! Dehydrate yourself until there is no water left, and make our world safe and water free for our children!
(Copyright 2015 Chris Battone)